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Looking to the lightAs I sat on a little wooden stage, my neon sketchers swung back and forth. I was seven years old. The sun shone through two big glass doors that led to a parking lot. I remember vividly that I was going through a list of things I did wrong that day. I said something stupid, I made someone feel uncomfortable, I was selfish when I took the last chocolate chip cookie. During the year that felt like an eternity, I thought I was never enough. I would lie awake at night praying to be better the next day. I thought it was normal, I deserved to feel that way, and no one needed to be burdened by my insufficiencies.
“You are good at loving people,” I heard my heart say in the middle of adding another thing to my list. Just as the gentle light would flow through the doors, I felt the sun pour over my heart like honey. That little affirmation was the start to a journey that changed my life. I sit across from a peer. They tell me how they are not enough. They claim they don’t deserve to be loved. They say no one cares. I reply back: you are enough, you deserve to be loved, I care about you. When I joined Hope Squad, a suicide prevention organization, I was insecure at my inexperience. In Utah alone, there was an average of 628 suicides per a year from 2015 to 2017 (Utah’s Public Health Data Resource, 2018). How do I relate with this problem I am so passionate about? Why am I drawn to fight an issue that is depressing? Through a lot of self-reflection and tears, I realized that my journey is connected to my passion. I know that during my year of darkness, I needed light. I needed to hear someone tell me that I was enough and recognize there was hope. I needed to know I was not alone in my emotions and it was okay to voice my pain. I had a support system around me, I just refused to share my hurt with them. I fought that journey by myself for too long before I opened up to others for help. Now when my mom asks how I am or my dad wants to know about my day, I am able to be genuine. Now at 18 years old, I think: I am so thankful for my life. I know I can make a change. I am a powerful, beautiful human being. Have a question?Feel free to contact me on any of my social media platforms or email me!
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